Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Not All Who Wander Are Lost........... I've seen this saying on shirts, hats, wall hangings, and several other things since we've moved. It dawned on me today, as I was doing my Bible study, that this is where I am right now. 
I've felt off kilter and outta sorts trying to find my "new place" since we've moved. But I've NOT felt lost! I know the Lord sent us here for a reason and with purpose. For that I am truly grateful. 
Honestly, driving, I can get us lost in a New York minute!!! I HATE the feeling of being lost!! 
My sister and I have been talking about what I am going to be doing now. I need to find a hobby or something I like to do. (we did join the gym yesterday!!!) 
I have one of those amazing sisters that what ever she puts her mind to, she can do it and do it well! She can cook, sew, craft, she's patient, a WONDERFUL wife and Mom, loves the Lord, and just one of the kindest, gentlest, most generous people you will EVER meet!!! I am NOT most of those things!!! Since we live sooooo close I hope she rubs off on me in MANY MANY areas!!!! :) 
Our conversation reminded me I am wandering. I don't even know what I like! Becoming an empty nester has made me realize that I found most of my identity in what I did for my family. It's what I did for 21 years! How in thunder do I turn that tide? Don't get me wrong I enjoyed every single second of it. I've said it before, I was not a perfect Mom but it was an area I didn't feel like a failure in! I have SUPER great kids and that's not because of me and Michael but the sweetness of the Lord!! With that being said I think I did myself a disservice by not pursuing any of my interests for all of those years. One thing Elizabeth asked me yesterday that honestly took my breath was, "what did you do while you were in Denton?". Ohhhh sheesh........... deer in a headlight look I'm sure. Well I cleaned and taught Bible studies and tutored my 2 Muffins. Is that all I did??? Yep pretty much. 
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to teach and write and read but I really want to expand my horizons in this new season! So 2 areas I am going to pursue are cooking (I mean like Top Chef cooking hahaha) and maybe being a travel agent! And if those don't work out I think I'll start a new reality show called The Real Housewives of Amherst! HHHHMMMM  I REALLY hope the cooking and traveling things work out because I don't love wine or drama that much!!! :) 
It's amazing to me that when you decide to go in a direction and pray about it, there's a peace that accompanies it! I have an excitement today that I am going to find a new interest. So here we go........................................................................

#Convertiblescarproblems

Over the last few weeks I've been writing this blog in my head and wracking up info to share in it.
The first problem is the big elephant in the room.....Your hair!! Ohhhh my gosh! It's kind of a duh but you don't think about it when you buy it. You get outta your car after driving with the top down and you look like you've been riding with the top down. hahahahhaa So you think ahead and plant a brush in your glove box. Yep that solves it!!! :)
The next one I wanna cover is smokers in other cars. For the love of Pete use an E-cig if you HAVE to smoke. Yes I am not proud to say at one point in my life I was a smoker and I understand what you are saying and heard the moans and gripes. But when you don't smoke and you are sitting in your convertible after just working out and the igmo sitting in front of you flicks his stupid ashes......yeah they stick to sweat!!! Roll up your dang windows smoker!!! Well that's what I yelled at the man and he was gracious and flicked his cig out the window so  problem averted!! But what to do the next time?? I'm still working on that one!!! Maybe I'll just buy lots of ecigs and throw one at them???!!!! Hmmm I'll keep you posted how well that one works out for me!!!
Is it poor form to tan while you are the passenger??? That one honestly ran thru my head as we were driving back from Amarillo. I had a sports bra on and yoga pants.........Michael was ALL for that idea!! But that road is traveled by a zillion semi trucks. So I thought even with me laying my chair all the way down like a lounge chair by the pool that probably isn't appropriate. So I avoided that!! But I still think it might be a viable option with more modest attire!!!! After 20 minutes I will be applying sunscreen but a little sun is very very good for you!!!!!!!
The final one I will discuss in this blog is to avoid hurt feelings!!! If you drive past me, wave, honk, and flail your arms like a wounded duck and I don't respond, I'm NOT ignoring you or being a snob, or ignoring you!!! If the top of my car is down, I probably can't see you. Nope not even with sunglasses!! I didn't even realize this was an issue til today at Target a woman was waving me on and I didn't move until she honked and said a few choice words. :( I told my hubby," well isn't she a rude heffer?" He said," love she's been waving you on and you just sat there." Well crap who knew???? Then a WHOLE movie of incidents played in my head that all could be a result of this same scenario. When the sun is out it is soooooooooooo bright that I honestly cannot see!! So I apologize if I have done that to you unknowingly!! :)
Even with each of these said issues I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my car!!!!! It is sooooooo much fun and there's soooooooo much Sass and freedom I get from it. I highly recommend you getting one too!!!! ;) I'm sure the longer I drive it the more issues I'll have to share with you. So til then, wear your seat belts, don't drink and drive, and drive on!!!!!!!!

Waiting

UUUUGGGHHHHH waiting is NOT the funnest thing I've ever done. We have a contract on our house and the buyer has 10 days to back out of the deal. I KNOW I KNOW,  this is God's deal in the first place and we need to just trust Him. Crazy thing is that is the exact advise I'd have given you if the tables were turned. It's sooooooo much easier said than done. My goofy flesh sure does get in the way! We close on 10/10!! Part of me is ready to go today the other part is screaming NOT yet. I think God likes us to wait to teach us to trust Him more!!! So as it stands we are "waiting on the Lord to renew our strength".  This is a short entry but I'm outta words. ;~)

SOLD!!!!!!

Who knew that four letters could evoke sooooooo many emotions at one time????? I have soo much to do. What should I do first? How long will it take me to...............
 I guess I should start from a different part of the story. We have had our house on the market 2 weeks yesterday and today it is SOLD.  Our God is sooooooo good to us!!!!!! I'm soooo excited about the adventure God is about to take us on. In the same breath I'm sooooo sad to be leaving the people we have grown to love, the church that is our home, and this life we've known for the past 17 years. How can one body can feel ALLLLLLL these emotions at the same exact time!! There is this crazy undercurrent feeling that God is about to rock our world!! He is sending us to a dry and weary land. We've been praying for a long long time that God would use us as salt and light and that we'd bring Life everywhere we go!!! Now we get to do those things there!! Anyone that knows Michael and I know we are PASSIONATE people. I mean look at all my capital letters and expressive punctuation. That is just a drop in the bucket! Maybe West Texas needs some more passion and that's why we are going. heehee All I know is God is sending us to live on blessed land, and Michael is working for a blessed man and a crazy blessed company!!! We are ready to work!!!! Lord here we are send us!!!!!!!! But wait Lord I feel comfy here and there's people that I love here, like my youngest child!!!!! Yeah and in this 2 week period my oldest child will turn 21, my baby moves into his own apartment and we are moving!!! What the world?????? Well thank goodness I have this blog and I can drag ya'll along this adventure with us. Right now I am soooo excited to start a WHOLE new chapter with my husband, best friend and love of my life of 22 years, and our Lord!!!! So "Saddle up your horses. We have a trail to blaze. Through the yonder of God's Amazing  grace. Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown
This is the life like no other whoa whoa, This is The Great Adventure"!!!!!!!!
Here we are Lord, send us.................

Lessons From a Red Convertible

It's amazing to me how EVERY SINGLE thing the Lord does is on purpose. No I am not an idiot but I am a sheep. Well that's what the Lord calls me anyway. :) I was driving to the gym and the Lord and I had this conversation.........
"Ang, do you know why I gave you this convertible RED Slug Bug?"
"Hmmm, no Lord I don't. I haven't even thought about it. Sorry bout that and BTW THANK YOU for the car again!!!!"
" When the top is down don't you feel it?'
"Lord YES I feel the air, I feel the sun, I feel the bugs heehee, I feel the FREEDOM!!! I feel like there's no limits for me, no "ceiling" stopping me. It's sooooo crazy the joy and peace I feel EVERY SINGLE time!!!"
"That is on purpose Ang!! That is how I created you to feel all the time!!You have better vision and more clarity all the way around you and the car. There is nothing blocking your vision. You don't have to work so hard to see obstacles and dangers. You aren't always going to feel HAPPY but you should feel joy and seek peace!!! My Word tells you to do that!!! But what if it gets too hot, rains, too cold, snows????"
"Yes Sir I am completely exposed!!! That does scare me."
"You shouldn't be scared but you should be AWARE. Yes you are exposed and vulnerable to all elements but even in that just like spiritually I have you COVERED!!! Literally and spiritually. When you see the elements coming at you, all you have to do is push the button the top closes and you are totally covered!! Spiritually you are to do the same thing DAILY!! "Put on your full armor so that you can withstand the enemy". See Ang I am on purpose!!!! I gave you a PHYSICAL reminder of what you should be doing daily. AND I have you covered at all times you just have to choose to push the button!!"

I LOVE that the Lord is sooooo loud in His still small voice. He is soooo creative! Thanks Lord for my reminder that YOU have got me covered!! (Psalm 91) I love You BIG!!
I'm going to take a lil season to fast and pray. I won't be on Facebook or any other social media except to post Blogs if the Lord so leads me to!! Thanks for letting me share with you the GREATNESS of God!!!

Known

Before you read this post google Ella sings Elvis and watch this angel baby sing. 
Michael and I went on an impromptu date tonight that has rocked my world. We were sitting at Sonic and I saw the post on Facebook of Ella singing Elvis. I couldn't even believe all her cuteness so I had to show Michael. So we sat and ohhh'd and awwww'd over her. The Lord started softening our hearts FAST. I just couldn't get over her saying,"Daddy!!!! Hi Daddy", and him being sooooo sweet saying," Hi Ella". He was soooooooooo kind no matter how many times she said it. And I loved that she would turn her head and look and wait EXPECTING him to respond to her. There was not ONE OUNCE of fear in her eyes or her wondering or worried he was not going to respond to her. She was sooooo at peace. Michael asked me why this was making such an impact. Then the words,"She wanted and waited for him to call out her name" came out of the mouth of heaven and into our car and we had a God encounter. It took Michael's breath away and as I was processing those words coming out of my mouth I began to weep!! I had NO CLUE how those words were going to forever change me. I said,"Love we just want to hear the Lord say our name". Think about the video and you be Ella and let the Lord be the Daddy. You call out," Daddy, Hi Daddy" and let him call back to you, "Hi (fill in the blank with your name/nickname)". Hear it in HIS voice. Ohhhhh my word that will rock you to your core if you sit in it for a minute. EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET wants to hear someone call out their name!!!!! When the big 6'5 250lb football player is on the field and a kid hollers their name, they smile no matter how tough they are!!!! Or when a baseball player is on the field and his Dad says,"come on Connor" you see him smile from the mound. When a  "missionary" son is leaving for Germany and he hears his parents yell out, " Bye Dorian" he turns around and smiles. We are born with the innate sense of being needed. If someone knows your name it makes you feel special. But if you hear Him call your name, you are KNOWN. 
So my challenge for you right now is to call out,"Daddy Hi Daddy" to Him and let Him respond.........

Stirred NOT Shaken

It amazes me that the more I walk in my call the more secure I am and the less I can be shaken. I am stirred though. I used to let people and situations shake the tar outta me. I was very much run by my emotions and feelings. Now I turn around and look at the "old me" and think ohhh girl you were EXHAUSTING!!!! I need to apologize to EVERYONE I was doing life with at that point. I let my people pleasing fear dictate all my responses, emotions and honestly most of my decisions. It's soo embarrassing to have to admit that at my current age. :) I'm glad God didn't give up on me when I had given up on myself.

I am now a part-time Val's House Employee. I am serving as the Executive Director. It's almost surreal to even say those words out loud!!! My heart and passion are to do what I am currently doing!! I am "mending hearts and molding legacies"!!! The years it's taken for this dream to finally be  realized astounds me!!! There have been YEARS that I wondered if I was just hearing God wrong or He gave me a passion that would never be realized. But I KNOW that's not God's character!! It's soooo fun to be "getting" to do this. Thank You Lord for the opportunity!!! 

We started the new Beth Moore study "Children of the Day" and ohhhh my geeze it's AWESOME!!! Beth Moore does what my heart and soul cry out to do!! She teaches and inspires people to go deeper with the Lord. She STIRS every ounce of my being to know the Lord in a deeper more intimate way!! Watching her on the screen my insides just kept screaming "I want to do this" and the Lord said,"you ARE doing this"!!! I just cried and cried!! He also told me I am going to be writing curriculum. WHAT THE WORLD???? I have NO clue of even how to begin. This is stirring me soooo hard. This is such a new season for me but I am trusting Him with every ounce of my being. So I hope you will buckle up and go along for the ride with me. 

I Hope You Dance

Well sometimes you have a moment that forever changes you!!! I really hope you have several in your life. I had one this past Sunday at church. It's been a very difficult several weeks to say the least. My BABY graduated High School, we had his party, and the Lord is asking me to make some REALLY scary life changing decisions. So yeah.....pretty huge. Well back to church, we were sitting along side several thousand others while listening to Mark Harris sing his amazing song, "Help You Find Your Wings". He wrote that song for his kids and he said," I will lend it to you for your kids'. So as he started the first note the tears began running down my faee. Ohhhhh the truth in that song just undid me!!!!! So I'm just eating up every word coming out of his mouth and out of the corner of my eye I see Dorian stand up and walk down the aisle towards me. He grabs my hand and pulls me into the aisle to dance with him to this song!!!!! Ohhhhhhh my geeze I am crying again just typing these words!!! He leaned down as we danced and said,"I love you Mom".  And that's where the ugly cry began!!! There are just NO words to describe the safety and peace I felt in his arms!! That was my baby!! I held him in my arms as he cried when he was born, when he fell down, when he didn't get his way, when his big brother made him mad, or when he was sick. But all the times I held him didn't hold a candle to me in this moment. It was a culmination of all those moments into one. Every ounce of love, hope, dreams, and peace flew outta my body into his. I know I will NEVER be the same after that dance!! EVER!!!!!!! He didn't care there were thousands of people watching or that we were the only 2 standing up much less dancing, he wanted THAT moment with his Mom. I loved being a Mom the second I found out I was pregnant with Connor and now as we embark on being "empty nesters" I love it even more.  I love you my precious little boys!!! I love you forever, I like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. Here are the lyrics to Mark Harris' "perfect" song!!!

It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So moony different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And if I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.... I hope you dance"

Harder Than it Looks

Train a child up in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 
I think it's hilarious ( insert sarcastic smirk here) how the Word doesn't tell you about the "middle" years. I think it might say something like, train a child up when they are young because there will come a point they are hard headed and grumpy. BUT when they are old they will "get it". That is MY version!!! That really cracks me up....... Parenting cracks me up.......... It's sooooo much harder than it looks!!!!! These children that I'd gladly lay my life down for, cannot answer a simple question without being angry in their answer, but 5 seconds later are super sweet. (Maybe you have perfect children and have no clue what I am talking about. Well to you I want to say, "SHUT YOUR FACE". In love of course!!!) This is the 28th wonder of the world. 
It amazes me that those same children can capture my heart all over again in one conversation. My oldest Connor and I had one such conversation today. Sometimes I wonder if the boy even has a brain in his head, and other times I think WOW he's sooooo wise at such a young age. Today he ministered to me thru a conversation he'd had with a friend. He poured life, hope, and wisdom into her. Proud proud Momma moment!!!
It amazes me that my sons have such a great grasp of the love of the Father!! They hear Him and read His Word and have the healthy fear of the Lord.Watching my boys ebb and flow just shows me what I look like to our Heavenly Father. I can act like a total Yayhoo and then all of the sudden, I have a moment of clarity and speak what I hear my Father say.  I can't even imagine giving up on my kids no matter what they do. That's how HE feels about me too. I am 40 years old and I am just now beginning to understand this. It is such a joy to be experiencing this journey with these 2 amazing boys. What a gift to learn from them!!!!!! I AM BLESSED!!! 

Mother's Day Musings

We went to see the WONDERFUL movie Mom's Night Out yesterday for Mother's Day. It was such a bitter sweet movie for me. It showcased the daily struggles of a Mom with "littles". Ohhh I remember the days sooooo well. You feel like you will never get out of the diapers, legos, spilled milk well spilled everything, laundry to the ceiling stage. I NEVER thought I'd utter these words but, I miss those times!!! You don't know what a blessing they are til they are gone. Now I have "bigs" that I love even more than when they were "littles" and I'm having to let them go daily. It's the meanest thing EVER to have to release their little/big hands and let them walk, run, fall down, and cry on their own. My Momma did NOT tell me about this part of parenting when they were little. Not that I'd have believed her anyway because that time was light years ago. Watching that movie I began to actually FEEL what I have been kinda feeling for awhile. LOST!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael and I don't fit anywhere. Our friends that are right around our age ALL have "littles" and are exhausted (rightly so because they are young "littles" and they have a  LOT of kids hahaha) because of the amount of work they are having to do to maintain life and sanity. When I watch them I just want to cry and I do tell them to stop letting their kids grow up because it's terrible. :)  When we try and explain how we are feeling they get this look on their face that's either SHUT UP you have no clue how hard it is to be us, or we are speaking Russian. Not sure which it is to be honest. hahaha We do NOT fault them for not understanding where we are in life. The thing is we TOTALLY understand them and miss that season!!! We love them and pray that they will enjoy exactly where they are and experience every single second. We just don't "fit" anywhere.  People say it's necessary and we have trained the boys up but that is TERRIBLE advise!!! That doesn't stop the aching in my heart and life. I am having to learn who I am as an empty nester!!! It feels ALL kinds of wrong. I LOVE being a Mom. Yes I know I will always be a Mom but I mean a Mom of "bigs"!!! It's the ONLY thing in my life I have felt pretty successful at!!!! I know I wasn't perfect but it's a weird feeling to know I've left it ALL on the "field" for them. And I honestly think they know that. WOW the feeling of success is just a foreign feeling to me. I think a big fear of mine is "what if I don't ever feel successful again".  What if the only thing I am good at is being Connor and Dorian's Mom and they are moving on? I used to feel like this big failure as a Mom but I look at these two GIANT boys that I'm totally head over heels in love with and think well I didn't really suck so bad as a Mom!!! They have turned out better than I could've ever guessed. They are handsome, smart, MIGHTY MEN OF GOD!!!!!! 
As of today I have 25 days til my "baby" graduates High School and hurls us through another mile stone!! I'm choosing to enjoy the ride!!!!!

Do Not Despise Small Beginnings

Zechariah 4:10a says," Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin......"
I can't tell you how many times I have started and stopped things because they seemed "small" compared to the awesome things others were doing or could do. Case and point running. I have said for YEARS I wanted to be a runner and never put the time effort or energy into it!!! I'd read on Facebook about my amazing friends running 3, 5, 10, 20 miles and feel shame I couldn't run 2 houses down.  Well I have decided and changed my mind that I WILL be a runner and I am!!! Yesterday I laced up my shoes walked a deposit to the bank and decided I would run. Well I am using the word run VERY loosely here!!! I really just jog. I probably jog as fast as my friends with long legs walk but it's still running/jogging for me!! I didn't measure on my FitBit how far it was yesterday so I decided to do the same path today and my first stint was .6 of a mile!!  I walked just a little bit and did .32 of a mile.That was GIANT for me!! I know in the "scheme" of runners that's a warm up but in the prime of my workout body I couldn't ever run a mile without stopping. I asked the Lord what I needed to listen to as I ran and he reminded me of a Kerrie Roberts song called What Are You Afraid Of. PERFECT SONG!!!!!! "So what are you afraid of? Show em what your made of. The shadows that you're scared of, are usually your own and not the great unknown. You don't have to wonder, you're not going under. Grace has got you covered. God is in control go on and let it go. What are you afraid of?" As my feet hit the pavement with the beat of the song I KNEW I was going to go farther than I've been!! I had a break thru with the Lord in a trust issue with Him in the area of my health and being able to run. I AM A RUNNER that does NOT despise my small beginning. I am farther than I was a year ago but not as far as I will be in a week!!  I WILL reach my mile marker and I WILL celebrate it. I will walk and not be weary and run and not faint!! 

Writing this blog is a GIANT step into the next season of my life!! I hope I am an avid writer!! There have been many who have inspired me in this new season.  This is going to help me write my book in the near future. We are in the beginning stages of "empty nest".  It's soooooooo much harder than I thought it was going to be!!! There are elements that excite me and others that I can't stop crying about. In less than one month my "baby" will be graduating High School. I'm having to learn what it is to parent adult children. It's a lot harder than it looks. When I was young I didn't think I'd ever have kids but when the Lord gave me Connor I fell madly in love with him and was totally on board with being a full time Mom and Wife. Michael and I were not married but 2 months when we found out Connor would be there in 9 months. So I've been a full time Mom for the past 20 years. I didn't know it but I lost who I was when I morphed into a Mommy. I'd do it all again if I could!!! But now I am left with the dilemma of "who am I?" as Connor and Dorian are discovering their destiny. Michael and I are enjoying alone time and dating. My precious sister Elizabeth has given me crazy good wisdom to get me thru this. She said "y'all are young enough you can redo everything from your careers to your home to being newlyweds again. That sparked crazy goodness in me!! I really can be whatever I want. I'm only 40!!!! I have chosen to take that challenge and examine every aspect of my life. My first obstacle is to find out my hobbies, talents, and passions. Whew that's a huge can of worms that gets bigger daily!!! So welcome to walking out this journey with me. I'm so glad you've come along for the ride!!!!