Harder Than it Looks

Train a child up in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 
I think it's hilarious ( insert sarcastic smirk here) how the Word doesn't tell you about the "middle" years. I think it might say something like, train a child up when they are young because there will come a point they are hard headed and grumpy. BUT when they are old they will "get it". That is MY version!!! That really cracks me up....... Parenting cracks me up.......... It's sooooo much harder than it looks!!!!! These children that I'd gladly lay my life down for, cannot answer a simple question without being angry in their answer, but 5 seconds later are super sweet. (Maybe you have perfect children and have no clue what I am talking about. Well to you I want to say, "SHUT YOUR FACE". In love of course!!!) This is the 28th wonder of the world. 
It amazes me that those same children can capture my heart all over again in one conversation. My oldest Connor and I had one such conversation today. Sometimes I wonder if the boy even has a brain in his head, and other times I think WOW he's sooooo wise at such a young age. Today he ministered to me thru a conversation he'd had with a friend. He poured life, hope, and wisdom into her. Proud proud Momma moment!!!
It amazes me that my sons have such a great grasp of the love of the Father!! They hear Him and read His Word and have the healthy fear of the Lord.Watching my boys ebb and flow just shows me what I look like to our Heavenly Father. I can act like a total Yayhoo and then all of the sudden, I have a moment of clarity and speak what I hear my Father say.  I can't even imagine giving up on my kids no matter what they do. That's how HE feels about me too. I am 40 years old and I am just now beginning to understand this. It is such a joy to be experiencing this journey with these 2 amazing boys. What a gift to learn from them!!!!!! I AM BLESSED!!! 

Mother's Day Musings

We went to see the WONDERFUL movie Mom's Night Out yesterday for Mother's Day. It was such a bitter sweet movie for me. It showcased the daily struggles of a Mom with "littles". Ohhh I remember the days sooooo well. You feel like you will never get out of the diapers, legos, spilled milk well spilled everything, laundry to the ceiling stage. I NEVER thought I'd utter these words but, I miss those times!!! You don't know what a blessing they are til they are gone. Now I have "bigs" that I love even more than when they were "littles" and I'm having to let them go daily. It's the meanest thing EVER to have to release their little/big hands and let them walk, run, fall down, and cry on their own. My Momma did NOT tell me about this part of parenting when they were little. Not that I'd have believed her anyway because that time was light years ago. Watching that movie I began to actually FEEL what I have been kinda feeling for awhile. LOST!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael and I don't fit anywhere. Our friends that are right around our age ALL have "littles" and are exhausted (rightly so because they are young "littles" and they have a  LOT of kids hahaha) because of the amount of work they are having to do to maintain life and sanity. When I watch them I just want to cry and I do tell them to stop letting their kids grow up because it's terrible. :)  When we try and explain how we are feeling they get this look on their face that's either SHUT UP you have no clue how hard it is to be us, or we are speaking Russian. Not sure which it is to be honest. hahaha We do NOT fault them for not understanding where we are in life. The thing is we TOTALLY understand them and miss that season!!! We love them and pray that they will enjoy exactly where they are and experience every single second. We just don't "fit" anywhere.  People say it's necessary and we have trained the boys up but that is TERRIBLE advise!!! That doesn't stop the aching in my heart and life. I am having to learn who I am as an empty nester!!! It feels ALL kinds of wrong. I LOVE being a Mom. Yes I know I will always be a Mom but I mean a Mom of "bigs"!!! It's the ONLY thing in my life I have felt pretty successful at!!!! I know I wasn't perfect but it's a weird feeling to know I've left it ALL on the "field" for them. And I honestly think they know that. WOW the feeling of success is just a foreign feeling to me. I think a big fear of mine is "what if I don't ever feel successful again".  What if the only thing I am good at is being Connor and Dorian's Mom and they are moving on? I used to feel like this big failure as a Mom but I look at these two GIANT boys that I'm totally head over heels in love with and think well I didn't really suck so bad as a Mom!!! They have turned out better than I could've ever guessed. They are handsome, smart, MIGHTY MEN OF GOD!!!!!! 
As of today I have 25 days til my "baby" graduates High School and hurls us through another mile stone!! I'm choosing to enjoy the ride!!!!!

Do Not Despise Small Beginnings

Zechariah 4:10a says," Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin......"
I can't tell you how many times I have started and stopped things because they seemed "small" compared to the awesome things others were doing or could do. Case and point running. I have said for YEARS I wanted to be a runner and never put the time effort or energy into it!!! I'd read on Facebook about my amazing friends running 3, 5, 10, 20 miles and feel shame I couldn't run 2 houses down.  Well I have decided and changed my mind that I WILL be a runner and I am!!! Yesterday I laced up my shoes walked a deposit to the bank and decided I would run. Well I am using the word run VERY loosely here!!! I really just jog. I probably jog as fast as my friends with long legs walk but it's still running/jogging for me!! I didn't measure on my FitBit how far it was yesterday so I decided to do the same path today and my first stint was .6 of a mile!!  I walked just a little bit and did .32 of a mile.That was GIANT for me!! I know in the "scheme" of runners that's a warm up but in the prime of my workout body I couldn't ever run a mile without stopping. I asked the Lord what I needed to listen to as I ran and he reminded me of a Kerrie Roberts song called What Are You Afraid Of. PERFECT SONG!!!!!! "So what are you afraid of? Show em what your made of. The shadows that you're scared of, are usually your own and not the great unknown. You don't have to wonder, you're not going under. Grace has got you covered. God is in control go on and let it go. What are you afraid of?" As my feet hit the pavement with the beat of the song I KNEW I was going to go farther than I've been!! I had a break thru with the Lord in a trust issue with Him in the area of my health and being able to run. I AM A RUNNER that does NOT despise my small beginning. I am farther than I was a year ago but not as far as I will be in a week!!  I WILL reach my mile marker and I WILL celebrate it. I will walk and not be weary and run and not faint!! 

Writing this blog is a GIANT step into the next season of my life!! I hope I am an avid writer!! There have been many who have inspired me in this new season.  This is going to help me write my book in the near future. We are in the beginning stages of "empty nest".  It's soooooooo much harder than I thought it was going to be!!! There are elements that excite me and others that I can't stop crying about. In less than one month my "baby" will be graduating High School. I'm having to learn what it is to parent adult children. It's a lot harder than it looks. When I was young I didn't think I'd ever have kids but when the Lord gave me Connor I fell madly in love with him and was totally on board with being a full time Mom and Wife. Michael and I were not married but 2 months when we found out Connor would be there in 9 months. So I've been a full time Mom for the past 20 years. I didn't know it but I lost who I was when I morphed into a Mommy. I'd do it all again if I could!!! But now I am left with the dilemma of "who am I?" as Connor and Dorian are discovering their destiny. Michael and I are enjoying alone time and dating. My precious sister Elizabeth has given me crazy good wisdom to get me thru this. She said "y'all are young enough you can redo everything from your careers to your home to being newlyweds again. That sparked crazy goodness in me!! I really can be whatever I want. I'm only 40!!!! I have chosen to take that challenge and examine every aspect of my life. My first obstacle is to find out my hobbies, talents, and passions. Whew that's a huge can of worms that gets bigger daily!!! So welcome to walking out this journey with me. I'm so glad you've come along for the ride!!!!