We went to see the WONDERFUL movie Mom's Night Out yesterday for Mother's Day. It was such a bitter sweet movie for me. It showcased the daily struggles of a Mom with "littles". Ohhh I remember the days sooooo well. You feel like you will never get out of the diapers, legos, spilled milk well spilled everything, laundry to the ceiling stage. I NEVER thought I'd utter these words but, I miss those times!!! You don't know what a blessing they are til they are gone. Now I have "bigs" that I love even more than when they were "littles" and I'm having to let them go daily. It's the meanest thing EVER to have to release their little/big hands and let them walk, run, fall down, and cry on their own. My Momma did NOT tell me about this part of parenting when they were little. Not that I'd have believed her anyway because that time was light years ago. Watching that movie I began to actually FEEL what I have been kinda feeling for awhile. LOST!!!!!!!!!!!! Michael and I don't fit anywhere. Our friends that are right around our age ALL have "littles" and are exhausted (rightly so because they are young "littles" and they have a LOT of kids hahaha) because of the amount of work they are having to do to maintain life and sanity. When I watch them I just want to cry and I do tell them to stop letting their kids grow up because it's terrible. :) When we try and explain how we are feeling they get this look on their face that's either SHUT UP you have no clue how hard it is to be us, or we are speaking Russian. Not sure which it is to be honest. hahaha We do NOT fault them for not understanding where we are in life. The thing is we TOTALLY understand them and miss that season!!! We love them and pray that they will enjoy exactly where they are and experience every single second. We just don't "fit" anywhere. People say it's necessary and we have trained the boys up but that is TERRIBLE advise!!! That doesn't stop the aching in my heart and life. I am having to learn who I am as an empty nester!!! It feels ALL kinds of wrong. I LOVE being a Mom. Yes I know I will always be a Mom but I mean a Mom of "bigs"!!! It's the ONLY thing in my life I have felt pretty successful at!!!! I know I wasn't perfect but it's a weird feeling to know I've left it ALL on the "field" for them. And I honestly think they know that. WOW the feeling of success is just a foreign feeling to me. I think a big fear of mine is "what if I don't ever feel successful again". What if the only thing I am good at is being Connor and Dorian's Mom and they are moving on? I used to feel like this big failure as a Mom but I look at these two GIANT boys that I'm totally head over heels in love with and think well I didn't really suck so bad as a Mom!!! They have turned out better than I could've ever guessed. They are handsome, smart, MIGHTY MEN OF GOD!!!!!!
As of today I have 25 days til my "baby" graduates High School and hurls us through another mile stone!! I'm choosing to enjoy the ride!!!!!
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